"NOW THEN." Several minutes later John himself being pushed back towards the light. Rose joined him soon after, S'luuksxz's tentacle coiled tight around her torso. "I BELIEVE THAT OUR COMRADES HAVE BEEN SUFFICENTLY PREPARED FOR THE EXPERIMENT. IS THAT CORRECT."
"Correct." Rose replied as if the lesser God had asked her for the time. " John? I assume you're ready as well."
"Y-yeah," John managed. He watched her face carefully for some sort of signal, for any reassurance that the plan was still in effect, but there wasn't a flicker of feeling from her. How the heck did she manage to stay so calm?
"THEN LET US BEGIN THE EXPERIMENT. S'LUUKSXZ, WOULD YOU CARE TO START THE SCENARIO."
"INDEED I WOULD. I SHALL DO IT."
"YES. MAKE IT HAPPEN."
There came a heavy, hoarse sounding rush of air, what John could only assume to be the Horrorterror clearing its throat (if it had one), followed by a spot of silence. John swallowed, his own throat suddenly dry. If this went wrong, things could get very ugly…and if things went right, it would still be the most awkward thing in the universe. He looked to Rose once more. Her eyes were closed, head bent almost solemnly in thought. She looked like a doll-not just because she was in the grasp of something so many times larger than her, but just in the way she was hanging there, looking so wan and pale and pretty—
"ONE DAY," John was violently jolted from his thoughts by the roar of S'luuksxz's voice. "ROSEPOD WAS SITTING THERE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. A HUMAN PASTRY SAT IN THE OVEN, AND HER TRAGIC HEART SAT IN HER HAND. THIRTY, TRAPPED IN A LOVELESS MARRIAGE WITH A CRUEL ABUSIVE BUSINESSMAN WHO WAS SO OFTEN OUT OF THE HOUSE, AND ALSO A PEDOPHILE, SHE HAD NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. ALL SHE COULD DO WAS LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF HER SPLASHING TEARS ECHOING IN THAT COLD, LOVELESS HOUSE.
"AND THEN THERE WAS A DOORBELL AT THE DOOR. SHE GOT UP,"</b> S'luuksxz made a gesture with Rose that must have been her standing from an imaginary chair, "AND THE UNLOVED, UNATTRACTIVE HOUSEWIFE MADE HER--."
"H-hang on!" John somehow managed to break through his own bewilderment. "Rose isn't-!"
And suddenly he found himself the center of attention of three people that he most certainly didn't want: two volatile aliens who could probably use an interruption as grounds for killing him, and the girl who really didn't need to be hearing this. "Uh…um…" His eyes darted frantically between the tentacles and Rose. "B…bluh…"
"JOHNPOD, CEASE YOUR BLUHS AND FINISH YOUR STATEMENT. WE ARE OPERATING ON A LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME AND THIS EXTENDED VEHICLE OF THOUGHT SEEMS TO BE A LENGTHY ONE."
"I-I!..." John sputtered. "I just…um, Rose isn't…um." He looked far, far away from Rose, pulling his shoulders up as if he could disappear into his hood. "…unattractive."
A rush of air pushed at John- S'luuksxz seemed to be sighing. "IRRELEVANT. THIS IS A FICTIOUS SCENARIO TO ASSIST YOU TWO IN ACHIEVING THE RIGHT ENVIRONMENT. OBVIOUSLY THERE IS A BIT OF IMPROVISATION THAT YOU MUST DO—FOR INSTANCE, THERE IS NO KITCHEN, AND SADLY A LACK OF PASTRY. SO PLEASE JUST SUSPEND YOUR BELIEF FOR A MOMENT."
"Y-yeah, alright. Sorry…" <o>Smooth John, for a second there it looked like the situation wasn't disgustingly awkward enough. </i>The Dave in his head sure was getting a kick out of this. His eyes dared to dart briefly in Rose's direction, but to his unending surprise (not) her face was still impassive.
"NOW, TO CONTINUE. ROSEPOD WENT TO ANSWER THE DOOR. 'I WONDER WHO IS AT THE DOOR' SHE SAID. SHE OPENED THE DOOR…ONLY TO FIND…"
Gr'rtgfr's tentacle jumped forward eagerly, John's body jousting along with it. "'SALUTATIONS, SIR/MADAM. I HAVE RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A UNFORETOLD QUANTITY OF CHEESE AND VEGATABLE BASED FOODSTUFFS,TOPPED WITH ASSORTED PIECES OF ANIMAL CARCASS.' THE SUSPICIOUSLY YOUNG YOUTH SET THE OBJECTS DOWN ON THIS SURFACE, CONVIENTLY PROVIDING ROSEPOD WITH A VIEW OF HIS REAR, HIS LOWER CLOTHING FULL TO BURSTING WITH AMPLE ORBS OF SPANKFLESH."
Gr'rtgfr paused briefly, suddenly flipping John upside down. "(JOHNPOD IS THIS THE CORRECT AREA)" They staged whispered. At the stiff nod of John's head, the tentacle flipped him rightside up. "ALRIGHT. SO, AS TO MY REWARDS FOR PROVIDING THE SUPPLY OF FLESHES AND MEATS-."
And without warning, S'luuksxz pushed Rose into John's chest. "OOOHWAAAA JOHNPOD, JOHNPOD. I HAVE NO PAYMENT FOR YOUR NOBLE DEEDS, BUT IT IS UNNECESSARY. THE ONLY MEAT I DESIRE IS THE MEAT I CAN PEEL FROM YOUR WARM BODY."
"what on earth is going on." John whispered, voice flat with a mix of horror and utter bewilderment. Rose, for all her coolness, didn't look all that calm either.
"ROSEPOD, I AM NOT CERTAIN IF OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS IS MORAL. BUT ALRIGHT." Gr'rtgfr gave John a shake. "JOHN, THIS IS WHERE YOU START."
John tensed up, his blood feeling like crushed ice in his veins. He swallowed, and looked down to find Rose's purple eyes gazing up at him. She nodded levelly.
"AAAAAOOOHHWHW, JOHNPOD, JOHNPOD." S'luuksxz's moans were like claws on glass.
He closed his eyes.
He leaned forward.
"JOHNPOD, DO IT. PUT YOUR ORGANS INSIDE ME. INSIDE, JOHNPOD, INSIDE-."
"YES JOHNPOD, YES, YES, YESSSSSSSSSSS. I WANT TO FEEL IT, DIG DEEP INTO MY EAR CANAL, OOOOOOOOOHHH"
John rolled his eyes, despite himself. Underneath him Rose's shoulders were hitching, as if she was trying not to laugh. Whether the flicks of his tongue tickled her or if she somehow found this funny, he couldn't say. All he could do was keep licking her ear—and for the record, they were pretty waxy for a girl as meticulous as her. He'd have to tease her about it later…if he ever had to nerve to speak of this again.
"YES, YES, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSALRIGHT I THINK THAT IS ENOUGH FOR THAT REGION." S'luuksxz pulled Rose back for a moment. John caught her gaze for a moment, sticking out his tongue empathetically. "SHALL WE MOVE ONTO DIFFERENT AREAS."
The diplomats sighed.
And so began the most uncomfortable half-hour in the life of John Egbert. Hung above that clearing under the eyes of alien monsters, the two of them came up with new combinations for their tongues, fingers, and various unsexy openings in their bodies. Tongues into ears, thumbs into armpits, pinkies into nostrils, tongues into eyes, and every other combination they could come up with.
They moved stiffly, with as much eroticism as a piece of dried fruit. Even without considering their Bizzare-ma Sutra techniques, the fact that their audience was providing a steady soundtrack of "scenarios" put a bit of a damper on the mood.
"HULLO ROSE-POD, IT IS I, JOHN-POD. I HAVE RETURNED FROM MY DEADBEAT JOB AS A DOWN ON MY LUCK SALESMAN, AND AM LOOKING VERY ATTRACTIVE, AND ALSO FULL OF MANY SEXUAL ORIFICES?"
"OH JOHN-POD, OWAAAAH. I PLEAD FOR YOUR SLURRY TO SOAK INTO MY TREMBLING CRAVACES. BLOAT ME FULL OF MANY FLESHPUPPIES, YOU STUDMUFFIN."
John was unsure to where these scenarios came from, and for that he was somewhat thankful.
"OH MERCY ME, BUSINESSMAN JOHNPOD, I KNOW YOU HAVE ANOTHER MATE AND I AM BUT A SINGLE MOTHER KICKED UPON BY THE WORLD, BUT I NEED THIS JOB AS YOUR FEISTY, SARCASTIC SECRETARY."
"THEN BEND YOUR BLACK LEATHER CLAD BODY UPON THAT DESK, WHILST LEAVING YOUR UNATTRACTIVE GLASSES ON. LET ME ESTABLISH MY Y CHROMOSOMES."
Okay, so he knew that Rose hadn't showed them porn, but they had to be getting this from somewhere. A somewhere he knew he never wanted to know of.
"UUUH. UUUUUUUUUHHNNNNN. YES, ROSEPOD, YESS."
"OH JOHNPOD, UNF, UNF, UNF"
"Oh god." John's face was paler than usual. "How much longer are they going to keep this up?"
"Just relax," Rose whispered—a remarkable feat for someone tapping their tongue on their friend's eye. "We're going to run out of positions eventual-."
"COMRADES, PLEASE CEASE YOUR SPEEECH." Gr'rtgfr boomed. "WE UNDERSTAND THAT CONDITIONS ARE LESS THAN IDEAL, BUT THIS MUST BE AS CLOSE TO THE TYPICAL ACT OF HUMAN INTERCOURSE AS POSSIBLE."
"IN FACT," S'luuksxz piped up. "IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS REALISTIC, YOU TWO YOU SHOULD BE MAKING THE PROPER VOCALIZATIONS, SHOULD YOU NOT."
John and Rose looked at each other. "Ahm afrah—pardon me-." Rose pulled away from John, retracting her tongue. "I'm afraid I don't understand your request. Are you asking us to speak to each other?"
"THERE IS…HOW CAN THIS BE SAID." S'luuksxz clattered thoughtfully. "HUMANS MAKE CERTAIN VOCALIZATIONS DURING COITUS, YES. MOANS, AND THE LIKE."
"What…oh…oh." Rose gritted her teeth violently as she realized what the lesser God was asking. "There really…that is to say, that is honestly a superfluous part of intercourse, there is no need—."
"PERHAPS THERE IS NOT. BUT STILL, WE WISH TO KNOW THESE THINGS."
"I IMPLORE YOUR AGREEMENT TO THIS." Gr'rtgfr rumbled. "ALTHOUGH WE HAVE MADE THE PROPER VOCALIZATIONS TO THIS POINT, WE ARE STILL NEW TO THIS. PLEASE, MAKE THE SOUNDY THING."
Rose looked at John, and they shared a grimace. John sighed, placing his thumbs under Roses' shoulders. And in the driest, deadest voice he could muster:
"Oh. Yeah. I want to be inside you …baby."
"John. I feel you. Inside, of me." Rose sounded as exasperated as he felt." Your swollen, pulsing, nubs. "
"Oh…yeah." If he averted his eyes any harder, they just might fall of his head. "I am definitely being fucked…like a thing, being fucked."
"Harder, John, harder."
"FASCINATING." And to John's unending relief, their captors pulled them apart. "I DID NOT IMAGINE IT TO BE SO DETAILED." From anyone else this would this might have sounded sardonic, but S'luuksxz seemed completely sincere. "HUMAN INTERCOURSE IS MUCH DIFFERENT FROM WHAT I GATHERED FROM THE ELECTRONIC DATA WE PERSUED. FOR INSTANCE, I WAS INITIALLY UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT INTERCOURSE OCCURRED BY CONTACT OF LOWER GENETALIA."
John's heart seized. Oh crap. Luckily Rose responded without batting an eyelash. "Oh, please, S'luuksxz. Do you honestly think we would consummate contact in the same regions we use for waste excrement?"
"SEE, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I TOLD THEM." Gr'rtgfr roared with triumph. "THERE S'LUUSXZ, SEE. THAT'S STUPID. YOU'RE STUPID."
"CEASE YOUR INFANTILE BLATHERING, FUCKFACE."
"WE DON'T EVEN POSSESS FACES, YOU SLUDGESACK-."
"Well then!" John raised his voice. "Um, if you don't have any more questions or anything, could we ask you to put us down?"
"ACTUALLY, I DO POSSESS ONE MORE INQUIRY, JOHNPOD AND ROSEPOD. WHY HAVE YOU NOT SHOWN US MAMMARIAN CONTACT."
"Mammar-." Rose tensed, arms wrapping around herself. "Oh, ah, that is another common misconception about intercourse. Yes, those particular glands are only used in the subsistence of offspring. Nothing more."
"BUT ROSEPOD. WHEN I WAS LOOKING THROUGH YOUR FILES, I CAME ACROSS A PIECE OF ROMANCE-BASED PROSE THAT INVOLVED THAT REGION."
"…that is impossible. I did not distribute anything of that kind to the Ring."
"WELL," Gr'rtgfr rumbled, almost sheepish. "IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THAT WAS UNITENTIOAL ON YOUR PART, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING IT WAS A PIECE YOU HAD PENNED YOURSELF."
"…what….WHAT." And for the first time a crack appeared on Rose's ice-cold fašade. A very, very big
crack. "NO. How—no, I definitely did not mean to give you that—that was a personal piece!"
"Wait. Wait. Oh my god." John snorted incredulously. "Are, are you saying you wrote wizard porn?"
"It did not involve wizards—it was erotica! Not even that, not even going past-!" Oh man, if only he had a camera. Her face was as flushed as a heart in one of Karkat's weird-ass shipping things. "It was just practice, at, at a different kind of writing!" John had to admit, seeing her all flustered like that was almost…no, it was really cute.
"MOVING PAST ROSEPOD'S ENJOYMENT OF ELDERLY, BEARDED MAGIC MEN." S'luuksxz cut in. "THEN IF THE MAMMARIES ARE INDEED AN ERROGENOUS ZONE, WHAT IS JOHNPOD'S CORRESPONDING BODY PART"
"There is no-!"
"WHAT." Rose whipped her head so fast it looked like she had whiplash. "JOHN. I have just stated that that area wasn't-."
"Hey Rose, I wasn't the one that gave them the 'erotica.'" John grinned widely at her, folding his arms casually behind his head. "They know it, there's no reason to hide it."
"EXCELLENT JOHNPOD. I'M GLAD WE ARE ALIKE IN MINDSET. NOW, WE ARE BEGINNING TO RUN LOW ON TIME," Gr'rtgfr said as the drew John back slightly, "SO LET US FINISH THIS QUICKLY."
"Wait just a mo-!!"
"GR'RTGFR, YOU INFINTE IDIOT," S'luuksxz roared. "HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING WE'VE LEARNED OF HUMAN ANATOMY. ARE JOHNPOD'S HANDS IN HIS FACE"
"Don't sweat it," John mumbled against the soft curve of Rose's chest. "This is fine." He might have to deal with it dearly later, but at the moment the spike of his prankster's gambit was worth whatever she would-
"Fine." Rose spoke casually as John reeled from the sock to his stomach, tears in his eyes. "Okay, so I finished the act. Hands to the mammaries, knee to the gut. Situation complete."
"OH. WELL. IS THAT CORRECT, JOHNPOD."
He looked up at Rose. The answer was clear from her glare. "Y…yeah. Correct. Very correct."
"EXCELLENT. WELL THEN, I BELIEVE WE ARE READY TO COMPLETE THIS EXCERISE."